SATIRE: Paranoid student deletes social media, and everything else

By Aina Zaidi
Contributor

In the wake of Facebook’s recent privacy issues, and other various user privacy concerns on social media, WCC sophomore Lauren Davis decided to delete all social media from her phone, including Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and of course, Facebook.

It should also be noted Lauren deleted apps that technically don’t even qualify as social media, resorting to this extreme after her increasing paranoia on the topic.

The last time Lauren was contacted, she had disabled her email address, applied tape to every camera lens she owned and disconnected her phone number. Because of this, she didn’t receive any notifications about the school closing that followed after Sunday evening’s snowfall—the 36th school closing on a Monday this year.

In fact, Lauren was so difficult to reach after this ordeal, The Washtenaw Voice staff had to write a letter to her physical home address. After receiving no response to the letter, The Washtenaw Voice staff reached the consensus to send out a carrier pigeon in the general direction of where she lived.

Despite Lauren’s extreme form of paranoia, she was heard saying she was “bored” and missed “replying to people with several variations of the heart emojis.” To combat this problem, Lauren has since taken to downloading Facebook again; this time with a name she claims won’t be traced back to her: Davis Lauren.

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