Family dynamics shift, but always love remains

Lily Cole

Editor

My mom changed her last name in 2018. This was a blow to my sister and I, who kept our dad’s last name when our parents divorced in 2017. I didn’t feel as close to her anymore. It felt weird living in a two name household where she would buy big HGTV-esque F’s to adorn the place, and the last name Ferrier seemed outlandish. What kind of last name is that? 

The same feeling could be related to my stepdad, Dan. At the time, it felt weird that my mom married a man whose name was so close to “dad.” 

When I met Dan, I didn’t know what to think–a 6’1 Hell’s Angel-looking guy who was bald with a surprisingly clean-cut goatee. He was the walking epitome of The Dude from the 1998 film “The Big Lebowski.” He was completely different from my dad, who was gentler-looking and still had hair. 

The Center for Disease Control reports in their provisional number of marriages and marriage rating that in 2022, 673,989 people got divorced out of a population of 278,154,454. For Michigan, the US Census reports that the percentage of people divorced in 2023 was 6.2%. When my mom and dad told my sister and I that they were splitting, I hid in my closet for maybe 20 minutes. It felt like a lifetime, though, knowing that the two people I considered the most important people in my life would not be together anymore. 

There are unique differences in each child and family. Despite the differences, divorce has been shown to negatively impact a child’s future competence in family relationships, education, emotional well-being and earning potential. Two major meta-analyses, one published in 1991 and the other in 2001 by the American Physiological Association, found that children of divorced parents consistently scored lower on measures of academic achievement, behavior, psychological adjustment, self-esteem and social relationships.

After my parent’s divorce, my sister and I switched school districts, moving from my mom’s house to my dad’s every week. My sister fell behind in class and needed help to keep up, a trend that would follow her until her senior year of high school. 

My mom and dad always told my sister and me that there are two relationships in a family: one with the kids and adults and one with just the adults. My parents are firm and always told us they’d always put us first and always have. My parents didn’t and wouldn’t have the “normal” divorce, and we’d always be a family. 

Karolyn Lehn, a personal counselor at WCC, says she tries to keep an open mind of dynamics within the families of the students she sees because “everyone is different.” 

“I’m obviously a big believer in open communication,” she said. “When you do the blame game, and you get to carry that into every interaction, it just makes things difficult, whereas if you can get to a point where you can kind of set some of that aside and just go for the communication and try to think of positive thoughts and positive regard for the other person. I think that makes the transition.”

Lehn emphasizes that parents must be flexible and open to their child’s timeline in these divorce situations. 

“I think as a parent again, when communicating, try to understand the kid’s comfort level,” she said.

Whenever a problem arises, Dan never breaks a sweat and always tries to talk through the situation. I can get a little overwhelmed with something that can’t be fixed at the drop of a hat, but with Dan, nothing is overwhelming. There’s something about his cool and calm demeanor that I idolize. He always wears a shirt with the “Got Milk?” font that says, “Don’t Freak Out.” 

He taught me that maybe letting some things roll off your back isn’t bad. Maybe it’s what’s needed to get past a situation. 

My mom talks about how Dan is just another person who loves me and my sister. While true, yes, I can’t help but think of him as another paternal figure in my life. He’s one of the first people I call when something bad happens, and I can’t thank him enough for the lessons and endurance he’s taught me. 

He recently got me a book on how to be a leader in the workplace after I expressed some fears about stepping into the editor role at the Voice. The book “Your First Leadership Job,” by Tacy M. Byham and Richard S. Wellins, provides tips and tricks for navigating situations within the leadership field. 

A chapter I liked was “A Woman’s First Leadership Job” because it discusses “owning the moment.” Something Dan always tells my sister and me to do–sometimes sending texts in the morning saying, “Stay confident!!!” and “Kill it today!!!” And yes, it’s always with three exclamation points.

Since every family dynamic is different, parents who co-parent or step-parent may sometimes need to learn how to navigate these divorces and how their children respond. Lehn recommends the Mary A. Rackham Institute (MARI) of U-M, which offers evidence-based mental health, language, and literacy services, including therapy and assessments, for individuals of all ages.

For more information about workshops and MARI itself, visit https://mari.umich.edu/.

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